Kids Navigating Public Transportation - How to prepare yourself & your child

Michele Kelber • April 12, 2025

I know you can do it!

That's what our kids hear when we encourage them to do hard things. On the flip side, when we do for them all the time, they can hear, "You can't do it" or "We don't trust you". It cuts their confidence and instills in them that we don't believe in them. I know it might seem far-fetched, and on days when the whining about needed help bores into our brains, it's challenging for us as parents and caretakers to toe the line.

So much of parenting, and life in general, is consistency. It's not that we can plan or know what to do all the time in every situation; it's that we are consistent in our actions with our children. This creates stability, expectations, and can even make our lives easier. The stronger a child's will, the more challenging transitioning from pacifying a problem to being consistent can be, but stay the course. Life is a series of opportunities to practice what we are committed to. This is the long game. With continued practice, everyone gets the chance to create new helpful habits, adults and kids.

How to foster independence

Before we start sending our kids hopping on subway trains or the bus, we need to set a standard by practicing in all of life's opportunities. Oftentimes, kids are expected to magically be independent and have the skill set to assert that independence. These skills include confidence, awareness, communication skills, critical thinking, and focus. If we are always with them, managing getting to and from places, crossing busy streets, and navigating communication with strangers they learn to rely on us, rather than forge their own way. This includes developing an inner compass to guide them through different situations.

So, where do we start? With everything, especially a seemingly daunting task, we start small. I discuss a lot of this in my book, How Not to Ruin Your Kids, A Practical Guide to Raising Happy, Independent, Equipped Children. Two chapters in particular are a great resource: Chapter 6, Responsibility and Chapter 7, Independence. Chapter 6 talks about chores and getting kids involved in tasks at home. Starting by doing things at home gives kids an opportunity to see how they are a valued member of the family and that who they are and what they do is important in the world. This is done in a safe space, where mistakes can be made, and new talents mastered. Learning new things provides a jumping off point for kids to feel accomplished, successful, and unstoppable. Remember, kids aren't like us; every success they have spills over into other areas of their lives. They aren't just awesome at that one thing, they are awesome at EVERYTHING! Sadly, as adults, we learn to compartmentalize our success to just that one area, or worse, dismiss our achievements altogether, never truly experiencing long-term pride or confidence.

Chapter 7, Independence, goes into greater detail on how to take those newfound skills and confidence and apply them to the real world. In developing independence, outside of the home, we still want to start small. So now, when you are together, have your child start asserting their independence. Have them order their ice cream cone, ask for permission to pet a stranger's dog, pay for the little items you are picking up on the way home at the grocery store, or send them next door to borrow a cup of sugar (whether needed or not!). As your child gets older and more confident, elongate the apron strings even more, task them with going into the grocery store to pick up the missing ingredient while you wait outside or are searching for something else, let them walk the last few blocks to school solo or with friends, let them play outside with friends in an agreed upon area without parents watching over them. Check out my book for more suggestions. Remember, garnering this independence may actually be harder for you, rather than your child. In a lot of cases, they are ready, we aren't.

Small group independence

Kids are more capable than we think they are at most things. They may not be perfect, and it may be scary for us, but they have the capacity to do things and do them well.

At the gym, we bike and scoot all summer during our camps and can be seen out and about with the kids throughout the year at after-school and school-year camps. We don't just saddle up and head out. Every day, we go over the rules and expectations ad nauseam. At this point, it's interactive. I ask questions about riding formations and stopping frequency. I task the kids with "Why do we do roll call?" It's important that they understand the why behind our methods so they are bought in and vested in our safety procedures. We speak in positives and abstain from telling kids not to do this or that, this gives them a focus and task of what to do.

Over the years, we have allowed two older kids at a time to run local errands nearby (with their parents' permission). The errands aren't essential, it's just an opportunity for them to practice their independence. Before we send them out, we go over the rules and expectations. Cross with the light, look both ways anyway, stay together, be kind and considerate to others, listen to your gut, don't be afraid to ask for help, always stay together. It's difficult to plan for every scenario, and it can also be fear-inducing. We do, however, have a plan! Below are some examples of how we prepare kids in the moment. We go over these conversations every time, so it becomes second nature to them.

Running an errand:

Stay together
Do not go anywhere with anyone, regardless of who they are (friend, police officer, store owner etc)
You can talk to strangers, just stay on task. If you get a weird vibe, end the conversation. You don't have to be polite to someone who is making you feel uneasy. Ask for help if needed: store owners, a mom, stores we have relationships with, a police officer, or other first responders.
I expect you back in X amount of time
No extra stops
If you get hurt, have someone else come get me at the gym if possible. You and your partner should stay together

On group trips, if you get separated from the group:

Stay where you are, we are coming back for you. Stay where you are, because I will retrace my steps, and if you move, I can't find you. It may take a few minutes, but I will be back
If someone offers to help you, say, "My person is coming. This is our plan. You can wait with me."
On the subway, if they remain on the train, we tell them to get off at the next stop and then apply points one and two

Introducing the hard conversations and what to dos to apply to a group situation eliminates the stress of being alone. It's a middle step to complete independence for children. It provides a safe space with a helping hand, creating a collective community that is already established and ready for your child's independent navigation. It empowers them to recognize that their community is, in fact friend and not foe.

Solo time

Take a deep breath. You have been working for years, parenting your child. They are ready, and so are you! You've spent time fostering their sense of responsibility and independence since they were toddlers, but now what? They are 11 and you just wave to them at the subway stop as they enter the bowels of NYC? No, you need to have the hard conversations.

The hard conversations include the chats for small group independence above and convos about safety in general. When you were tasking your child with chores, you didn't hand them a knife to chop veggies without going over knife skills and safety. If this doesn't resonate, let them use a knife, please. For now, consider when they started using scissors. You most probably spoke to them about how to use them, not to run carrying them, and how to pass them to someone. Well, it's the same way for getting out on public transportation or walking solo.

I know a lot of families are utilizing phones and tracking devices for safety and to manage independence. Remember, statistically, there is .01% chance that your child will be kidnapped by a stranger. (Check out Chapter 4, Where We are as a Society in my book to learn more about how fear and society dictate our parenting choices.) Despite the reality of this statistic, ever since the 80s, and with the multimillion-dollar true crime entertainment genre, this is one of our biggest fears. Do what you need to do, but do not allow technology to manage your fears and prevent you from having family plans, expectations, and conversations with your children. It's also very important for children to build trusting relationships with other adults and learn to get help and support from adults outside of their family. In leaning on others, kids actually get to exercise their own problem-solving skills and be brave. Knowing that you have the skill set to manage challenges puts anxiety at bay.

It's not necessary to have your child text when they get to school or multiple times during a short excursion. The school will call you if your child doesn't arrive, and building a collective community keeps your child safe. So keep encouraging them to chat and get to know people in the community, including store owners, crossing guards, parents, and the like.

I've broken down solo excursions into three different phases. These should start well before kids need to ride the subway solo, and can be incrementally introduced into their lives. Use your judgment about what your child is ready for, but remember, your fear should be acknowledged, and not make decisions for you!

Phase one:

Send kids to the store solo to buy a few items
Walk solo to and from school
Bike and meet up with friends in the neighborhood

Phase two:

Take dry runs with your child to and from their new school on public transportation
Go over the subway map at home and teach them the names of their stops and how many stops they are from each other. For example: "Our stop is Vernon/Jackson on the 7 train, which is one stop from Grand Central". Referencing locations based on getting on and off the train as well as major stations and transfer points. Be clear that on the bus they need to press the button for the driver to stop!
Sit apart from them on the subway or bus during another dry run. I'd do a dry run a few times to have your kids feel confident and deal with any transportation snafus that may happen. Always debrief to discuss what worked and what didn't work, or any challenges faced

Phase three:

Meet your child at their new school, allowing them to take the subway or bus solo
Let them travel solo to different events or meet-ups where their friends are going
Send them to sport practices and games independently. You can meet later to cheer them on
Let other parents know that your child has the ability and permission to travel solo
Send them on longer errands, allow them to walk dogs, or babysit in the neighborhood

These are all suggestions and guidelines. Incorporating this type of independence will make such a difference for you and your child. Your job as a parent is to provide your child with the skills and acumen to navigate life confidently. This can't happen without letting go a little bit and managing your own hesitations and fears privately. You don't have to go it alone either. Other parents are going through the same thing, and y'all could support one another. You can also join the Parenting Partnership group I run or do some one-on-one coaching for you and your child!

It takes a village!

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Risky Play - Parent Buy In

By Michele Kelber • October 25, 2024

Risky Play - Parent & Caregiver Buy In I know, Risky Play sounds SCARY! It may raise some eyebrows, but it's essential for a child's growth and development. Risky Play is generally play that is outside the achieved skill set of a child attempting to be performed in a fun and happy context. Helen Dodd and Kathryn Lester published the article, “Adventurous Play as a Mechanism for Reducing Risk for Childhood Anxiety: A Conceptual Model” in 2021. The paper states, “when children play in an adventurous way, climbing trees, riding their bikes fast downhill and jumping from rocks, they experience feelings of fear and excitement, thrill and adrenaline.” One of the difference between risky play and plane hazards in life is that risky play is done in a context of happiness and desire. This pushes each child to get used to feeling uncomfortable and manage their emotions around it. The authors noted that half of all anxiety disorders start before age 11, "so the earlier kids deal with "ambiguity" - the discomfort of not knowing how something will turn out, which they went on to say that which is at the heart of risk – the more chance of nipping anxiety in the bud." (from Let Grow: letgrow.org/risky-play-anxiety/) I was recently a guest on a panel discussing Adventure Playgrounds at the Association of Science & Technology Centers 2024 Conference. Did you know that tons of museums are building adventure playgrounds? Adventure Playgrounds range from "natural playgrounds" to "junk playgrounds". Governors Island is home to play:ground NYC, The Yard. The theme that runs through each is unrestricted play, and the absence of adult made play structures. Often adventure playgrounds are "no adults allowed" other than playworkers, trained to oversee the area. Adventure Playgrounds can have anything from hammers and nails to build with, trees to climb, treehouses to imagine from, ropes to swing on, and access to water. Many utilize found objects to spark creativity and imagination. Adventure playgrounds are facilitators of Risky Play! My portion of the presentation and panel addressed "Educating Grown-ups: Guiding Parents and Caretakers into Risky Play". I felt it was an important topic because allowing risky play the few times you visit an adventure playground isn't enough integration in a child's life. The goal is to support parents and caregivers to introduce, encourage and provide opportunities for risky play. My job as the founder of Gantry Kids is to provide such an environment AND to guide parents through what may be a scary time for them as they incorporate risky play at home. The Benefits The benefits of risky play are countless. In the forefront is learning to be in uncomfortable situations and get to the other side of them. It teaches follow through, coping with stressors, and understanding personal limitations. It also can improve motor skills and cognitive understanding, as well as improve social interaction skills. Kids that are risk adverse don't learn how to manage everyday situations or worse, it causes children to seek out hazardous actions and environments as a form of thrill seeking. Mental Health professionals are in agreement that the lack of risky play can lead to a lack of resilience and the onset of mental health issues like anxiety at a very young age. This almost always requires professional intervention. The Fears As adults we have our own set of fears around allowing children to participate in certain activities. One of the biggest fears around risky play is injury to the child and ability concerns - can the child even do it? Other fears that drive hesitation for adults is our own anxiety and worry. We take it on as if we are experiencing the action and just can't manage our own anxiety as we enter the rabbit hole of worry. By the way no one is more afraid on a skateboard than a newbie adult. Kids, meh, not so much. Lastly, adults, organizations, and municipalities are fearful of litigation. What if a child gets hurt and we get sued? I love fear. It's just our bodies way of telling us we are alive. Fears have a tendency to take over the area of our brains where rational thinking occurs. So stay vigilant and don't allow it. Literally say to yourself, Okay fear, I see and here you. Thanks for the feedback, but I'm going to do it anyway. If we actually looked at the statistical likelihood of something happening versus only considering our concerns we'd be doing way more stuff. Chapter 4: Where We Are as a Society of my book How Not to Ruin Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Raising Happy, Independent, Equipped Children addresses how fear impacts our parenting and in turn our children's agency, self-esteem and autonomy. It also breaks down statistics of one of our deepest fears: kidnapping. I point to the fact that "children abducted by strangers represent .01% of all missing children." Yet, we don't let our kids walk to school, run errands, or play at the playground without an adult for fear of them being taken. Point zero one percent. So you see, fears aren't always rational, supported by evidence or true yet we filter most of our decision making when it comes to our children through those emotions. The REALITY What's your reality? How often are your kids engaging in risky play or enjoying an adventure playground? The reality for most is that kids engage in risky play as a single experience . Whether it's a pop-up event, or an exhibit at a museum or a weekly visit to the cool playground. It's not often enough. Risky play includes everything from climbing, balancing, hanging, jumping, swinging, sliding, running, biking, skating, cutting, poking, whipping, sawing, tying, wrestling, play fighting, rough and tumble play, exploring unknown environments, introducing dangerous elements like elevation change, water, and fire. (Sandsetter, Ellen Beate Hansen and Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair (2011): "Children's Risky Play from an Evolutionary Perspective: The Anti-Phobic Effects of Thrilling Experiences". Evolutionary Psychology. 9:2, 257-284). Is your child engaging in risky play at home? How often do they climb a tree, balance on a curb, saw a piece of wood, play fight, take a short cut through the woods, or build a fire? All of this is risky play. Is risky play available to kids? Do we let them help make dinner and use a knife, are we painting pumpkins or carving them? At our Halloween Kids Night Out! we always have the kids carve pumpkins. Now, they are taught and guided by an adult, but they get to actually do it! Are they swinging on ropes like we do at the gym, or jumping from tall heights, even the couch counts. Biking is even risky play. Remember risky play is adventurous and brings some excitement and thrill to children in a happy environment. They are the barometer, not you. Is their school and after school program a proponent of risky play? Obviously Gantry Kids is! We work really hard to create an organic environment where kids have access to risky play and agency over themselves. We support their growth and encourage their development with each box jump, rope swing, and mile on the bike! Are parents and caregivers being supported? Are you as a parent or caregiver feeling supported in your quest to provide opportunities for risky play? It's hard we know. Hard to trust that your child can do the task, trust that they will stay safe and trust that you are making the right choices. Honestly, that's why a lot of parents send their kids to Gantry Kids. We handle the risky play and the mild heart palpitations. When you feel those, thank your fear for being present and act anyway. What's next? As a way to support parents, besides sending kids to the gym, I created this very basic, but informative info graphic. It breaks down risky play you can incorporate at home and then build on! By incrementally adding risk play to your child's life, you'll see the benefits, but also they are learning a new skill set, which will boost their confidence and independence! Remember, start small. Do things together, your eyes on, your hand off. Then start adding more and more. Don't wait until you are comfortable, acknowledge your fear and act anyway. You can do this!

Risky Play - Jump in feet first

By Michele Kelber • October 9, 2024

Why Free & Risky Play in After School Programs are Crucial for Child Development Parents often prioritize structured activities like homework time or organized sports when considering afterschool care. However, one of the most valuable and sometimes overlooked aspects of a child's development in these programs is free play—and even risky play. These activities provide essential opportunities for children to challenge themselves, develop new skills, and gain confidence, all while having fun. Let's dive into why free and risky play are beneficial, especially in an afterschool setting, and how programs like the ones we run at Gantry Kids & Teens in Long Island City, NY, are embracing these concepts. What Is Free Play and Risky Play? Free play is an unstructured, child-led activity. It’s play that allows children to explore their environment, use their imagination, and engage in physical and creative activities without an adult directing their every move. Whether it's a game of tag, climbing on a jungle gym, or inventing an entirely new game, free play allows kids to learn at their own pace, make decisions, and solve problems. Risky play is a type of free play that involves an element of risk, whether it’s climbing higher than they’ve ever climbed before or trying to balance on a narrow beam. While the word "risky" can sound intimidating, it doesn’t mean putting children in dangerous situations. Instead, it encourages them to test their limits in a somewhat controlled environment, helping them develop resilience, confidence, and problem-solving skills. The Importance of Physical Fitness and Exercise One of the biggest benefits of free and risky play in afterschool care is the opportunity for kids to engage in physical activity. While many afterschool programs focus on academic enrichment, it’s important to remember that physical fitness is just as crucial to a child's well-being. Free play naturally incorporates movement—running, jumping, climbing, and balancing all count as essential forms of exercise. These activities help kids develop strength, coordination, and endurance, which are key for maintaining a healthy body and mind. Afterschool programs that include ample time for free play give kids the chance to burn off energy after a long school day, allowing them to unwind and refresh their bodies and minds. This active form of play also helps combat the growing concern of sedentary lifestyles, especially in a world where children spend increasing amounts of time sitting in classrooms or in front of screens. Social and Emotional Growth Through Play Another critical aspect of free and risky play is the development of social and emotional skills. In an unstructured play environment, children are responsible for setting their own rules and navigating social interactions. They learn how to cooperate, negotiate, and resolve conflicts, which are all important life skills. Free play often leads to group activities where kids have to work together, fostering teamwork and leadership qualities. Risky play, in particular, teaches children to assess their abilities and take calculated risks. For example, when a child decides to climb a tree or cross a balance beam, they learn to gauge the difficulty of the task, weigh the risks, and develop the confidence to try. This type of self-regulation helps build resilience—children learn that it’s okay to fail, and they gain the confidence to try again, which is a lesson that extends far beyond the playground. Kids are taking risks, feeling apprehensive, and nervous in the context of fun. This allows them to manage their emotions and temper anxiety, a real diagnosis for many kids by the time they turn 11. Gantry Kids & Teens: Embracing Play in Long Island City, NY For our Long Island City families, Gantry Kids & Teens has developed a robust afterschool program that embraces the importance of free and risky play. The focus isn’t just on keeping kids busy but on fostering holistic development through creative and physical activities. The program we run at Gantry Kids emphasizes the value of play in building strong bodies and minds, giving children the freedom to explore their abilities in a safe environment. The team at Gantry understands that children thrive when they are given the chance to lead their own play and push their boundaries. By incorporating elements of risky play, such as climbing, running obstacle courses, or engaging in imaginative games, Gantry Kids & Teens helps kids develop not only physical fitness but also the confidence to face new challenges in life. We also recognize the importance of balancing structured activities with free play. While we offer organized programs to enhance physical and social skills, we also give children the space to engage in self-directed, unstructured activities where they can develop their own games, create friendships, and discover new interests. This balance ensures that kids leave feeling accomplished, energized, and ready for the next day. Play Should Be More Than Just Fun Free and risky play aren’t just fun—they’re foundational elements of a child’s development. In the context of afterschool care and daycare, these activities allow children to gain confidence, build resilience, and strengthen their physical and mental health. Programs that incorporate free play, like what we run at Gantry Kids & Teens, offer kids the chance to develop in a way that structured activities alone cannot provide. When kids are given the opportunity to play freely and take risks, they become more creative, adaptable, and prepared for the world around them. Learn more about our afterschool programs at Gantry in Long Island City, NY .

Transitions - How to Help Our Kids Through

By Michele Kelber • August 16, 2024

There are 1000 transitions in a day. Wise words from a Dad of a three year old and a one year old. The truth of the matter is that young children are experiencing most of life for the first time. Everything is awe inspiring. Even if it's the same task, like getting out the door and into the car, they have little recollection of times before, or one little thing makes the experience different for them: the clothes they are wearing, the time of day, a puddle from last nights rain in the driveway, or even where the car is parked. Remember too, that kids are learning analytical thinking and can't truly transfer concepts until they are approaching their teens. You can read more about that in Chapter 3 of my book: "Where Kids Are" How Not to Ruin Your Kids , pp. 25-31. So how do we support them in being able to transition smoothly and easily? The start of school is a HUGE transition for kids. Going from summer fun: late nights and slow mornings, to getting to bed early and up with the sun! In most homes, there is less structure in during the summer months, more physical activity and unstructured time in each day. All those combined create space for kids to self-regulate much easier than during the school year when physical activity and movement in general is extremely limited, and each minute of the day is scheduled out. The new academic year may also be a series of NEW NEW NEW.